Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney can’t win…

Mitt Romney can’t win the 2012 presidential election because his nickname is Mittens. He can’t win because Paul Ryan is his running mate and Ryan looks like that kid who everyone was friends with because he had the coolest beach house – think Hamoa, not Ocean City. Mitt Romney can’t win because the only [good] thing he can do for our country is fix the economy. By fix I mean he would be handy in creating more jobs, adding to the four and a half million that have been generated under the leadership of our incumbent president—up from the whopping 800,000 we were losing under President Bush. Long live W.

Speaking of Bush, Romney can’t win because everybody knows the world was a happier place when Clinton was the man in charge. It’s unfortunate that the details of his dalliance became public knowledge but God bless Monica Lewinsky.

What is foreign policy, Mitt Romney? You can’t win.

Under President Obama we found (and assassinated) Bin Laden, and ended the war in Iraq. Romney can’t win.

Romney would like to shrink the federal government on a large scale but alleges this won’t put government employees out of work. Assuming he can’t explain how this might work, Mitt Romney can’t win.

I’m with Romney on sending the power to regulate some forms of welfare back to the states. I feel as though the needs from state to state vary greatly and elected officials in those areas could better serve their constituents in regard to public assistance. I actually like Romney’s plan for Medicare too. Lest I mention these are the only two plans he has. He, therefore, cannot win.

He can’t win because it doesn’t make sense. Fiscal sense, for some, sure. But common sense…no, it makes common sense for hardly anyone to vote for The Stench and his sidekick, Paul Ryan.

Mitt Romney can’t win because although he recognizes the debt Obamacare will cause, he can’t propose an alternative to the obvious problem with adequate health care for all Americans. Going to the emergency room for a potential patient without insurance is not a viable alternative to a doctor’s office visit, Mitt.

Romney can’t win because in the words of Kanye, “Mitt Romney don’t pay no tax!” Retracting that last statement, let me state the fact: Romney pays taxes, simply an unscrupulously low amount.

Romney suggests we borrow money from our parents to open businesses if we so desire. Undoubtedly a simple enough task for the rich folk who make up the smallest percent of our American population, I admittedly do not. I decided, nonetheless, to test Romney’s theory and thereafter asked my dad for $30,000 to help get my business up and running. Between expletives that rhyme with “hit” and “puck” he yelled something along the lines of: “negro you must’ve lost your mind!”

Romney can’t win because every time he’s asked why he’s been so inconsistent on issues like abortion and the pledge on no new taxes, he replies by reminding us that Obama has allegedly been fickle in regard to similar issues. What about you, Mittens?

Mitt Romney can’t win because in 2008 Sarah Palin was the vice-presidential hopeful and though she has the smarts of a thumb tack, 47% of America voted in her favor. You’re right, Palin has nothing to do with Mitt, and he’s even been smart enough not to garner her support for the upcoming election, but the fact that republicans nationwide stood by such a cretin is enough to warrant disdain on every nominee they’ll put forth this lifetime.

A brilliant business man who is family oriented and genuinely dedicated to his version of a strong(er) America, Mitt Romney seems like a great guy who happens to think he’s well-suited to be President of the United States. While he preaches a great message of self-reliance and personal responsibility, his background of privilege mustn’t go without mention. As an American who lives in the depth of middle class I certainly do not hold Mitt Romney’s socioeconomic status against him. I do, however, contribute it to his warped perception of common hardships. Simply put: you are out of touch with the average American, Mittens. You cannot be my president.

What Do You Think?

-Brian Riddick


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